It's almost 2:00am, why am I here?

I was all nestled in bed cozy and slightly restless but it was easily overcome once we turned off the TV and closed my eyes. I guess I had drifted off because I heard the blinds rustle when the wind blew and it startled me awake just enough to realize how comfy I was. This is the point where 1 little thought after another started creeping into my mind of the fact there is still so much left to do and how little time there is left to do it in.

I was thinking if I wrote it all down than I would be able to shake it off my mind but I again realized so much of it isn't just tasks and "to-do's" . It has many more roots than that. We have been here for so long, longer than I ever would have wanted. Just long enough to cause me to miss so many of you. Not just those of you who are close but also those far away that I am so used to having easy access to and know without a shadow of a doubt if you need me or I need you we could make that happen, because that is what friends and family do. So many of you have filled roles that I have not allowed for many years in the past just for this reason, the pain of leaving. I have accomplished friendships that are healthier than any I have ever had in the past and they have made me a better person and those friendships will continue to help me grow and in turn be a wonderful friend to someone else.

Marissa had said something the other day of how all her friends tell her "It's OK, we will see you again" and all she could respond was "No, no you won't". She is right. Realistically these kids will go on with life and Marissa will eventually become a faint memory in their minds and likewise for her and it saddens me to watch her rationalize that and come to terms with the realization.

I, on the other hand, have experienced this over and over again and I think you start to build a wall of "safety". We moved quite a bit as a child and I remember those feelings, I so don't want Marissa to repeat that habit of disposable friendships. I can not imagine not being able to talk and laugh with each and every single one of you. I so desire to keep you all close with pictures, e-mail, stories, laughs and in turn teach my daughter to do the same. I have been blessed by every facet of friendship each of you has offered in your own way. Thank you all.

As I was laying there thinking I was too lazy to get up and actually come in here to the computer I heard a train, you know, "Choo-choo". Do you think they have like "real" trains in Okinawa? Or is this one of the last few times I will actually hear a train rumble bye? Then I got to wondering, "What else will I not hear, smell, see, touch, taste for the next 3 years?" That's when I knew I had to get up. I tried snuggling up to Steve but he was already sound asleep and I think it irritated me more to know he was not awake with me enduring this whole thought process. Plus, I can't stand to feel anyone breath on me-at all, and I swear no matter what position I moved to I could feel him exhale EVERY time. He is still in there breathing repeatedly, without me, none the wiser. Sleep tight my love.

Maybe I have procrastinated getting things together for some unknown inner sub-conscious reason. I am excited we are going and happy for the experience, I just want to take you all along so we can enjoy it together.

My house is in TOTAL disarray due to moving things about and cleaning things out that it has become slightly overwhelming. The saddest part is I know I will never be placing it all back together here in my home, this house will never again be "My home". I really liked my house and although I know we are renting it and not selling it right now I also know we will never come back home here to this house. Our days are numbered house and we are passing you on for others to enjoy. It is funny to me that I did get a phone call from a lady interested in renting who had no kids,husband or animals and I immediately wanted to just tell her "Oh, you can't rent my house then, it would be too empty, too sad". Many memories in this old house. Javan does not remember anything but this house. Pretty funny huh? A military brat living in one house long enough to not remember living anywhere else?

OK, I have rambled on enough and I think I am starting to talk in circles so I am going to go write down my list of things to do tomorrow on the fridge and try to go to sleep.

~Goodnight and sweet dreams~